I have been doing a lot of what feels like leave-taking lately. Saying a permanent goodbye to a house that was filled with dreams and memories was a start.
Then, I downsized enough to move my remaining belongings into a 10 x 15 foot storage facility.
And then, there has been an extended time of saying goodbye to the people in my life. There were trips to visit friends and family, lunches to mark the impending trip, and all sorts of formal and informal rituals to acknowledge this temporary separation.
My experience has gotten me curious about leave-taking.
Enter Lucy Baehren, who wrote a 2022 Nature article exploring cross-disciplinary perspectives on leave-taking among humans and animals. Her definition of leave-taking is “behaviours occurring before intended cessation and separation from a social interaction of two or more individuals”. Several questions come out of this definition.
- Baehren defines leave-taking as between two or more individuals and that doesn’t really leave much room for my experience with leaving belongings. For that question, Francine Russo’s Scientific American article outlines the emotional needs filled by belongings. She describes belongings as comforting “us amid loneliness …. substituting for important people in our lives” and thus “contributing to our confidence in our relationships with other people.” In taking leave of my belongings, I had a great opportunity to question my need or desire for those belongings to play that substitute role. The leave-taking was not as hard as I had anticipated, and mostly, it feels liberating.
- Braehren’s definition of leave-taking describes separation and breaking contact for a daily, temporary or permanent period. While that seems reasonable for many circumstances, it doesn’t quite capture my sense of what this separation entails. How different will it be to be on a cruise than it has been for many of us for years in COVID isolation? I expect to have access to the internet, to email, to use What’s App, and to write on this site. That hardly seems like breaking contact. Maybe it is the lack of possibility for face-to-face contact for a period of time that makes it different? Or, the expectation that coming back for unexpected things won’t be so easy? Not sure, but it has me noticing that it is a lot easier for me to say goodbye to the belongings than it is for the people.
Which had me searching for a verbal acknowledgement of this event. I now know (thanks to Google) that there are at least 101 ways to say goodbye. I searched the list for one best phrase reflecting this temporary separation, with only partial severing of contact. And, for fellow lovers of northern flora and fauna, here it is:
Toodaloo Caribou!
Constantly changing…. letting go… moving forward… I try to keep a carrot in front to help motivate me.
Thanks for sharing your process…š„°
Hope you are feeling better. How is room service while you recuperate? Is your deck tolerable for fresh air? Still cold here, and rainy. The deer are hungry and constantly foraging in our yard, to the consternation of Lukey. Thinking of you and the wonders you will see. Woof Woof
John
I agree āleavingā material items can be done. Leaving people, cherished memories, and purpose is very different and not something that brings joy. Thank you for reminding us of that, looking forward to more on this blog and seeing you in Maine.
The relationship we have with the stuff in our lives is very interesting to me. Since being with you as you processed the sorting of your belongings into store, trash, send on it’s way into the universe, I have been thinking more about my relationship with my stuff. Your comments here about stuff substituting for important people in our lives again gives me much to chew on. As always, I love the continued conversation with you about your journey.
Having been part of the conversationalists, like many others, about your decision almost two years ago, it is exciting to be able to continue the journey with you through this blog.
Iāve already read and re-read your first entries and look forward to all there is to come. Thank you for adding this blog to your experience and thus ours as well. As has always been the case you communicate with care and thoughtfulness. Wishing you an extraordinary journey and experience!